I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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