just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
