Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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