I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
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life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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