K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
