Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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