I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
