i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
