i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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