went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
