Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
wakey wakey hands off snakey
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
