3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
