all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
