okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
