I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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