Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
A+ Viking dick
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
