Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
