i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
