would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
im six kinds of drunk right now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
