i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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