it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
