My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
COCAINE IS GR8
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
