Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
