its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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