I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You left your phone here
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