Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
