YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
