peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
