i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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