I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
