The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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