My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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