I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
