Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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