Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
