Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
