I think I won the penis lottery.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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