Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize