Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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