god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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