alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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