I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
