Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
