Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
