Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
