I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
