Your dad touched me again.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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