why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
