Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
