Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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