we're chasing vodka with high fives
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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