we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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