Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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