My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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