A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
