when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
