New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
