Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
