I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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