got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
