I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
