i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
