You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking