You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
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What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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