did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
