i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
